Between Heaven and Hollywood Page 4
I did not learn much about acting. Only that I was driven to pursue it. Moody isn’t what you would call “drama friendly.” The only drama group offered at the time was one that focused on mime. (No, I’m not kidding. And yes, I did it, but I wasn’t very good at it.) Bottom line, I did not have access to the proper resources while at Moody, and although I was disappointed, what could I do?
I did not meet my soul mate. While there were many interesting young women to meet, a whole cornucopia the likes of which I would never have met in Kansas, I kept to myself and did not have time to date.
I did not fall in love with the idea of becoming a missionary or an evangelical preacher. In fact, after only a few months at Moody, I became even more certain that ministry was not the path for me.
I did not return to see my parents at our home in Kansas over the Christmas break. As a matter of fact, I never went back to that house while my parents were living there, and it would be well over a year before I would see my parents again.
You may ask how I managed not to do so many of the things I was supposed to during my year at Moody. The answer is both simple and complicated, but in the most straightforward terms I offer this: I was not meant to. I was not meant to live out anyone else’s dream for my life. While I was distracted from pursuing my dream by pursuing my parents’ dream for me, God was busy at work in the background, using circumstances and events to further his plan for me.
AN UNANTICIPATED TURN OF EVENTS
The year I was studying at Moody, parking cars, and trying to mime, my father called me and gave me some hard news.
“Son, your mother and I will not be living in Kansas any longer. We’ve put our resignation in and are looking for a new church.”
I muttered, “Why, what happened?”
I couldn’t believe it. My dad had done so much good in this town. He had pioneered the first Christian radio station in southwest Kansas in order to minister to the farmers who spent many hours on their tractors. In addition, he had started a prison ministry. I couldn’t understand why my parents had to move away. I felt as if I’d been punched in the gut. We’d moved a lot when I was growing up, and I hated the thought of our family moving again.
I didn’t know why or how, but I believed that my parents had been wronged, and that’s why they were leaving. They were not the type of people to share too much. They always wanted to protect the church. They never wanted to show disrespect to God or others, and it was very important for both of them to live in purity and peace with all. It was years later when I found out that my father had been let go from his position as pastor, although “let go” is not an accurate term. After some damaging rumors were spread, the parishioners chose not to reelect him after his six-year term had expired. Suddenly and without warning, my parents found themselves without a job, with little money and no idea of what tomorrow would bring.
I have little more to say about this experience other than that it hurt my family and it hurt me. I wanted to fight back, to have justice. It wasn’t fair.
Even so, my parents remained friends with those at the center of the rumors. In the years to follow, many of the parishioners who voted my father out later contacted my parents and our family to apologize for not standing up for the truth or defending what was right. Even though my father was wrongfully incriminated and all of our lives had been turned inside out, my parents and I forgave those involved. After all, we are Christians, and forgiveness comes with the territory.
I remember very well my shock, sadness, and frustration when my parents called from Kansas to tell me what had happened. However, a second bombshell was about to drop that in some ways overshadowed the first. My father accepted another job as a pastor in Saskatchewan, Canada, and my parents were planning to leave our Kansas home immediately. It was almost too much to absorb. Saskatchewan? They could have told me Mars and I would have been no less affected. My parents’ decision to move to Canada was a pivotal moment in terms of the direction my life would take.
NOT AFRAID
After my parents delivered the news, I hung up the phone and experienced a clarity I had not yet known in my life. A career in ministry, although never my first love, seemed even less attractive now that I saw how my parents had little control of their destiny and were subject to the whims of their congregation. They made less than thirty-five thousand dollars a year and sacrificed so much in order to preach the gospel. A pastor is on call 24/7. There is always someone to visit in the hospital or hospice. There is always another wedding or funeral to attend. My father worked around the clock for little or no appreciation or recognition, and yet he and my mom never complained. They knew what they were getting involved in when they accepted the call to ministry, and they accepted it wholeheartedly. Ministry was my parents’ calling—but I knew it wasn’t mine.
I also came to the realization that many of the things I did and the decisions I had made since graduating high school were based on or influenced by fear. I was living someone else’s dream for me because I was too afraid to take responsibility for my own life. I spoke little of my desire to be a Hollywood actor because I was afraid of people’s negative reactions. I busied myself with routine and distractions in part because I was just a kid looking to have a good time, but also because I was afraid to take an honest inventory of my year at Moody. Keeping busy kept me from facing and dealing with my fears.
Fear and self-doubt allowed me to buy into the someday myth. Look at any calendar and you will notice that “someday” is not a day at all. Proverbs 27:1 assures us today is the only day guaranteed us when it says, “Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring.” If pursuing our God-given dreams is what life is all about, then it follows that procrastination can be considered irresponsible.
Fear prompted me to lay blame on others or on less-than-ideal circumstances. While it is true that Moody lacked resources for those interested in the dramatic arts, I failed to exploit the resources I did have access to, like the many theaters, drama groups, improv troupes, and acting coaches all within three miles of Moody’s campus. As long as I could blame something else for my inertia, I wouldn’t have to own it and be responsible for it.
Ultimately I was afraid of failure, and at nineteen I was fully convinced all failure is bad—irrevocably and irreversibly bad.
After I hung up the telephone with my parents, I was surrounded by a silence and stillness that I had not experienced in several years. It was as if I were back in the wheat fields of Kansas, alone with the Lord. I could once again hear the whisper of my dream, and I realized my fear had created the biggest obstacle in the way of my dream. And that obstacle was me.
I called my folks after the Christmas break and told them I was going to finish out the year at Moody, but soon after I wanted to go to Los Angeles to become an actor. My parents had enough on their plates dealing with their sudden upheaval and relocation to Canada. After a brief silence my father said, “As long as you serve the Lord in whatever you do, we support you.”
I hung up the telephone and never gave the matter a second thought. I was going to pursue my dream. I was going to become an actor. I was no longer afraid.
While it’s encouraging to know God is the author of our dreams and that he wants us to succeed, we nevertheless must accept that many times and in many ways we get in the way of our own success. It seems counterintuitive because, if asked, everyone will say they want to accomplish their dreams and goals, and yet we allow obstacles and roadblocks to prohibit our dreams from coming to pass. The most villainous and destructive of these obstacles is fear. If you allow it, fear will—without mercy or hesitation—stop you from doing what God has called you to do.
You may have heard that the phrase “do not be afraid” or “fear not” is written in the Bible 365 times, and that those verses serve as a daily reminder fr
om God to live each day fearlessly. You may also have heard that as sweet as that sentiment is, it’s not accurate, and no translation of the Bible has that many mentions of the whole “fear not” thing.
I can assure you of two things: (1) I’m not going to go through the Bible and count how many verses tell us to “fear not,” because (2) it doesn’t matter to me. If the Bible tells us only once not to be afraid, then that’s enough for me, and I hope it’s enough for you too.
I suppose I could end this chapter here and simply say you shouldn’t let fear stand in the way of achieving your dreams and goals because God said you shouldn’t, but as a longtime member of the human species, I know it’s not as simple as that. I’m not going to mince words; fear is an insidious monster. Fear of what could happen can ensure nothing will happen. But as with all monsters, fear can be defeated—especially when you realize it’s a monster of your own design and it only has as much power as you give it.
Oftentimes fear is the thing that will keep you from taking the next step along your path of dream fulfillment. You’re aware of where you want to go; you can even see it on the horizon or just around the corner; but when you visualize taking that next step, no matter how big or small, you find yourself paralyzed and unable to continue. To make matters worse, sometimes fear can cause you to retreat to that safer place of just wishing, sacrificing whatever progress you may have managed thus far. All of this approach-and-retreat, two steps forward and one back, amounts to a colossal waste of time, and if you’re not careful, a waste of your life.
I did little while at Moody to advance myself closer to my dream because I focused solely on the issues of the day, like making pocket money and studying music. It’s amazing how much time can fly by when you are not paying attention. You think you are getting things done, but then at the end of the day you wonder why you are not happy or why, despite all the checks on your to-do list, you feel unfulfilled. Keeping busy was in many ways a defense mechanism. As long as I was distracted from facing my fears, I didn’t really have to deal with them. We can stay in this place for years because the “unsettled feeling” pales in comparison to the bone-crushing anxiety associated with fear. I’m unhappy, we think, but at least I’m not terrified about what the next day will bring.
We must learn to accept that oftentimes taking the next step to our dream is frightening. And that’s as it should be. For many of us, it needs to be frightening because moving forward in the face of fear is how we grow as people and how we grow in our faith. God tells us, “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10). God tells us that the more fearful we are, the more we need to lean on him. In that way we discover his strength. Whatever lies ahead of us, no matter how daunting, is not as great as the power behind us.
WHAT FEAR DOES
If you have a God-given dream, it’s going to be big, unreasonable, illogical, unwieldy, and seemingly impossible. No wonder you feel afraid! However, God is telling you right up front, “I’ve put this desire into your heart, and you’re going to need me to get there.” If left unchecked, fear can paralyze you and keep you from achieving the goals and dreams he has put into your heart.
In other words, fear can actually stand between you and the Lord. That unhappiness you feel when you’re not pursuing your God-given dream, that sensation of discontent, is a message that you’re not living the life God has intended for you. Worse, you have allowed fear to challenge your relationship with him.
I said fear was like a monster, but it’s a monster of your own invention. Did you know we are only born with two fears: the fear of falling and of loud noises? All other fears are learned through our own or others’ experiences.
Let that sink in a moment. Whatever your fears comprise, whether fear of acceptance or of failure, you are the author of those fears. Think of it as your version of Frankenstein, which you created in the basement of your mind. Just like the mad scientist in the old story, you have to face your monster head-on and take back the power you’ve invested into it, or you run the risk of it standing in the way of dream fulfillment. Many times we only react to fear instead of observing it. We flee from it instead of taking back control of it, and in doing so we continue to feed fear.
Fear wants your happiness, your hope, and your future. I have heard fear likened to a thief in the night, but fear is sneakier than that. The weird thing is, fear is less like an alleyway mugger in a rough part of town and more like a beggar. Fear will not demand you hand over to him all that is precious in your life. No, this guy is cleverer than that, more insidious.
Fear will get everything he wants from you because you will give it to him willingly.
How? Because fear knows you, he’s well aware of what makes you tick, and he knows the buttons to press. He will lean in and whisper those things specifically designed and tailored with you in mind to trigger self-doubt and insecurity.
“You’re not smart enough.”
“No one likes you.”
“You’ll go broke chasing your dream.”
“You’re not attractive enough.”
“Your chances of success are a million to one.”
“You will fail because deep down, you know you’re not good enough.”
And fear will wait as long as it takes for him to get what he wants. Don’t ever doubt fear’s unrelenting patience with you. He’s got all day. Fear has all the time in the world. Fear has the entirety of the rest of your life. He will stand between you and your dream until you hand your future over to him. He doesn’t have to mug or rob you because you will give him all he desires. Willingly.
OVERCOMING FEAR
Scared yet? I hope you are. Here are some things I have learned along the way about how to deal with fear.
Use Your Fear
The first thing I’m going to encourage you to do is for you to partner with fear. That’s right. I want you to use fear to make fear an unwilling ally in your journey to dream fulfillment. I hope when you face fear in whatever dark alley life has in store for you, you turn and run—right into the arms of God.
Turn to God
Yes, I said it. I want you to run right to Daddy. Run to your heavenly Father as fast as you can and ask for his courage. Turn your focus away from all of the obstacles you feel are in your way (real or imagined) and concentrate on God, who is capable of anything.
After I learned my parents were leaving Kansas for Canada, I got alone with God and asked for his comfort and guidance. I gave my fear over to him and asked that he replace it with courage and peace of mind. And he did!
This is something fear does not want you to do. God is to fear like kryptonite is to Superman. God is like the bucket of water to the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. In your darkest, most dreadful hour, keep your eyes fixed only on Jesus. “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” (2 Corinthians 4:18).
God is both the dream giver and dream maker, and he has already conquered every enemy that seeks to discourage you from fulfilling your dream and God’s dream for you. In simplest terms, he’s got it covered.
Take a Chance
Once you are imbued with the courage of the Lord, take a chance. Have faith that God is watching out for you, and go and do something that will get you closer to living your dream. Whatever your dream is, it’s going to require action in order for it to come true.
For me, taking a chance meant I had to stop wasting time, stalling, procrastinating, and letting others dream for me. I had to commit to a serious pursuit of my acting career. Although I didn’t know exactly what that looked like at this stage in my life, I vowed to figure it out.
For others, taking a chance might mean quitting your day job, taking a class at a community college, investing time into your spouse, or sticking up for yourself and fighting for what you’re worth. Maybe
you need to mend the fence with an old friend or lend a hand to a person in need. Whatever it is, stop letting fear hold you back and start doing.
Don’t get me wrong; a leap of faith doesn’t mean you should go off foolhardily without a plan or preparation. I made this mistake when I decided to go to Hollywood, and I will talk about it in a later chapter, but for now, yes, please have a plan. But don’t overplan. Overplanning is just a stall tactic conceived by fear. Have courage and make that leap. Psalm 37:24 tells us God will catch you. Do not let your fears choose your destiny. Instead let God choose it for you.
Surrender
If you’re starting to feel anxious and breaking out into a cold sweat thinking about actually chasing your dream—good. You should feel totally vulnerable and exposed, because it will make you aware of your complete dependence on God. Only by surrendering your life to him will you get to live the life you were meant to live. His way.
Don’t spend too much time thinking about a “Plan B” or a way out if you fail. I believe a backup plan is an insult to the Lord. I’ve heard it said that if you have something to fall back on, then you probably will at the first sign of difficulty. Have a little more faith. If down the road God leads you to a different path than the one you started on, then by all means change tracks. God has millions of second chances ready for you at a moment’s notice, but let him make that call for you. Let God plan an alternative route if he feels it necessary. Trust him completely and go for it! Don’t let your fear of what could happen allow nothing to happen.
I used to tell myself, “Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4). Remember we’re talking about your heart. Not your parent’s, not your spouse’s, not the author’s of the last self-help book you read—your heart. Be careful not to live someone else’s plan. Don’t be afraid to take responsibility for your own life.